Worst Nightmare
by yoyoente
Summary: Bella has finally been changed, the one thing she wanted. The guilt and shame for what he has done causes Edward to push her away. Two-shot
1. Leaving

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.**

_**Worst Nightmare**_

I had been changed. My only wish had been fulfilled, and now my life was ruined.

Six months ago we had had the perfect wedding. It was wonderful. I was able to say goodbye to my parents, friends. We were happy.

Our honeymoon was short and sweet. We had tried and succeeded. We made love. It was so passionate, but so filled with love that I could never doubt what he felt for me.

A week later we were in Alaska and preparing for my change. Edward was still apprehensive; worried he would make a mistake, or lose control. I had complete faith in him. Everything went according to plan, he bit me, I changed, and he held me. Edward sung to me, talked to me, and held me throughout my transformation. The real change only occurred after I woke up.

My heart had stopped. As I felt the coldness of death creep over me I felt Edward pull away. I had been in so much pain, but his presence comforted me. I didn't understand why now, after the worst of the pain was gone, he would pull away. I didn't understand.

It's been five months, two weeks, and three days since my husband touched me. I awoke to find him staring at the wall, barely containing his sobs. He hasn't touched me, spoken to me, even looked at me.

I thought it was for what he had done to me, remorse for the pain he had put me through, my family agreed. After he refused to talk to me, we gave him time. Time to realize that I was still there, that he could spend eternity with me, that I was exactly the same as before. It hasn't worked. He doesn't care.

I finally realized two weeks ago that he is mourning. It's not self-blame. He mourns for the love he killed, the love he lost. He never loved _me_ he loved the human me.

I awoke from the change that would allow me to spend eternity with the one I loved, only to discover he didn't want me anymore. Without my blood and beating heart, he no longer loved me.

Alice saw my plan as soon as it came to me. She tried to talk me out of it, tried to tell me that I was wrong. That I just needed to give him more time. I'm not wrong. I know that without a shred of doubt.

Finally she agreed. I promised to keep in touch, something I fully intend to do. But I need to get away. I can't bear to be in the same house as the husband who can't stand the sight of me. Can't stand to be in the same room as me. I'm not the one he wants. He will never have the person he loves anymore. She is dead.

The family went out for a hunt. Alice and I stayed behind. I knew Edward needed to feed and he refused to go whenever I did, so I stayed behind. It was the perfect opportunity.

They planned to be gone for a few days. Three at the most.

I would leave the first day. Alice understood now. She could see how hurt I was to know that it was never _me_ he loved. She helped me by blocking her visions over the past week or so. I love her for it.

After they left, I packed. My clothes had all been in Edward's room to begin with. It would have been our room, but then he changed. I moved my clothes out in the first week, not wanting to push him into anything he couldn't handle. I had hoped it wouldn't be permanent, but like all of my wishes, that went unfulfilled.

Alice insisted I keep the only credit card they had given me. She said that even if I wasn't with them, that I was always a part of their family. I was truly touched and grateful. I still had a hard time controlling my thirst and knew I wouldn't be able to work for a long time. I didn't really expect to need anything, but knowing that I had the means to get it if I did, was nice.

With a duffle bag, backpack, and one of the many tents the Cullens had bought as props, I was ready to go. Alice gave me a kiss on the cheek and a fierce hug. I returned both before turning away.

I don't know where I'm going or what I'm going to do, but I can't stay their any longer. Being in the same house as him, but not being able to touch him…it hurt worse than if he were to have left me.

-x-

The family came home to a quiet house. After Bella's change it had been a bit mellower than before, but the complete lack of noise was disturbing.

Jasper found Alice in their room, silently sobbing and hugging a pillow. He could feel the sadness pouring off of her. Although he knew nothing of what was wrong, he cradled her, trying to use both his words and gift to soothe her.

He quickly called Edward, hoping that _he_ would be able to tell Jasper what was wrong with his wife. Moody and brooding though he was Edward still cared about his family.

One word circled around Alice's head. Something that Edward could make no sense out of, but still put fear in him. _Bella_.

"What about Bella?" His voice was a little harsher than he had intended, but he needed to know what could be wrong with his wife.

Alice looked up at him, her little face etched in sorrow. "She's gone." Quickly burying her face back into her husband's chest, she began to sob once again.

"Gone?" His voice sounded far away, distant in disbelief. "Gone where?" She had just gone hunting, or off on an errand? No, Edward didn't truly believe that. If she had Alice wouldn't be crying like this.

The little pixie lifted her face again, a fierce glare aimed at her brother. "I don't _know_. She wouldn't _tell_ me. She's _gone._"

"But she's coming back? When?" The reality of the situation would not sink in. His Bella could not be gone.

"No. She's not. I don't think she ever will." Alice's eyes were cold with blame. She had tried to talk to her brother before, tell him what his actions were doing to Bella. He refused to listen.

Edward blinked at his sister, not comprehending. "Gone?" His voice was little more than a whisper.

He didn't understand. After changing her he had felt so guilty. So in love yet so unworthy of his wife that it was all he could do not to touch her. He had damned her to this existence of living off of blood and she didn't blame him. So he blamed himself. Edward had spent the last five and a half months wallowing in his own self-hatred. He had taken a perfect angel and damned her to hell.

Refusing to let his own selfish desire get the better of him, Edward had avoided her. He knew if he was in the same room with her, that if he even _looked_ at her, he would sweep her into his arms, crush his lips to her. It was something he did not deserve.

_Why_ would she have left? Did she really hate him now? Had Bella finally discovered what a monster he is and ran from him? He had believed that she loved him, had he been wrong? Edward was pulled out his questions by Jasper's voice.

"Edward. When was the last time you held at Bella? Touched her? Kissed her? _Looked_ at her?" His voice was calm but there was pain hidden in its depth.

"I…" The questions spun in Edward's head. He didn't know the last time. He couldn't remember doing it during the past few months. "I don't know." As he went over the months, carefully but quickly, in his head, Edward realized he did know. "Before her change…Oh god." His voice was a whisper as he looked at Jasper and Alice with pleading eyes. "What have I done?"

"You pushed her away Edward. In your own self-blame, self-hatred, you pushed her away. Anytime she came close to you, you would either run or flinch. What do you think she felt from that? She doesn't even believe you love her anymore. It's her worst nightmare. She was changed to be with you, but you didn't want her." Alice's voice was only a whisper, telling him only some of the things Bella had confided in her.

"Of course I wanted her!" Edward's voice rose in the utter ridiculousness of the accusation. "I only stayed away because I didn't deserve her! I was happy to just watch from afar, to not invade her life any further."

"You are such an idiot!" Alice's eyes were blazing with anger as she pushed herself from her husband. "It doesn't matter if you or anyone else thinks you don't deserve her. She wanted you! She tried to touch you, to love you, but you only pushed her away! And now she left!" The sobs overtook her little body once again.

"Oh Bella…what have I done…?" Edward had long since sunk to his knees. The horrible realization that he had once again hurt the only person he had ever loved dawned on him.

Once again he had believed he was unworthy of her, distanced himself from her, and it only hurt her. Now she was gone. He had no way of knowing where she went or what she was going to do. Alice had promised not to look into her future and she would not break that promise, not even for Edward.

...

**A/N:** Okay kiddies, that's it! I know it's a HUGE cliffie of a one-shot but that was the idea that popped into my head and I figured, you can imagine the rest? Make sense? I hope so!


	2. Being Found

**A/N:** **Okay, so I originally wrote this part as connected with the first chapter. Then I cut it out because I liked the open ending. Well I rewrote this part and am adding it because I figured it should have a bit of a more definite ending. So, I hope it's up to all your guys' standards. Enjoy!**

_Three years later…_

The credit card had been used. After over three years of waiting and watching, finally she had used it.

Edward sat on his couch, flipping his cell phone closed. He had reported to the credit company that a member of his family had the credit card, was allowed to use it, but had disappeared, so any use on it needed to be reported to him. They bought it and had just let him know that Bella had bought a plane ticket to Italy.

Taking a deep breath, Edward picked up his cell phone once again. After calling the airline she had booked with, he found out that she would be leaving the next day from Maine. He immediately booked the soonest flight he could get to that airport. Edward wanted to intercept her before she ever left the country.

Needing to leave as soon as possible, Edward was only able to tell Alice before he left. She immediately grabbed her shoes and chased after him, not wanting him to be the only one to see Bella.

-x-

I grabbed my bag out of the taxi. It was nothing more than prop, but I didn't want to forget it. After three years of living without a point to my existence I had decided to put an end it. Edward had been my life. My reason for choosing this life. What was the point of it if he wasn't there to share it with me?

I kept in touch with Alice, as I had promised. But it wasn't very frequent and I was never on the phone long. The emails I sent and received while in internet cafes were better, longer. She had said Edward wanted to talk to me, but I couldn't handle it. I didn't know what he wanted to say, but I was sure it would do nothing more than hurt me.

I felt bad because I knew that my lack of communication would sadden Alice, but I just couldn't live as I was anymore. I was sure she could understand that living in a world without Jasper would be unbearable.

Walking through the doors, I was immediately assaulted with the overwhelming scent of human blood. There were hundreds of people there and my thirst was just barely under control. I knew I would never hurt anyone, but suddenly I felt that taking this sort of risk was too soon. I had just not wanted to suffer any longer.

Halting my breathing, I continued my walk towards the checked baggage lines. Eyes turned and followed me, it was uncomfortable, but I guess this was how every vampire felt.

When I took a shallow breath to answer the lady at the counter's questions I smelt something different, familiar. Vampire.

I shook it off as another vampire coincidentally traveling the same day I was. I would not let myself get emotional, it only made controlling my thirst that much harder.

As I stepped out of line I felt two strong and familiar arms wrap around my middle. I was frozen, my arms trapped at my sides, as Alice came into view. She looked absolutely ecstatic, but I could not understand why she was there, why _he_ was there.

The hole in my chest where my heart had once been burned red-hot. He was touching me. Broken sobs came from my chest at the thought. He had ignored me, shied away from me for months. Now he was touching me. Why did he have to torture me?

"Bella, my love, I am so sorry. I was such a fool. I was so ashamed and guilty; I felt so unworthy that I pushed you away when I should have been showering you with my love. You are my everything, my life, my meaning for existence. Even if I have to grovel for the next thousand years, please come back to live with us, to be with me. Please, I love you." Edward's voice was a husky whisper in my ear. It sent shivers of longing down my spine even as the rage inside me grew.

He had done it again. Just like before, when he had _left_ me _for my own good_, he had made a decision about my life thinking it was best for me without even thinking of consulting me.

I straightened up, letting the rage take over. Alice's face was blank for a second, obviously seeing my decision, before turning into a very satisfied smirk.

I turned around slowly, letting the anger contort my features. Before Edward could so much as breathe in a hiss of air at the look of my face, I backhanded him. Hard.

A resounding crack echoed through the airport. People stopped and looked around, wondering what could have possibly made that noise. Thankfully none noticed Edward and his head snapped back at an uncomfortable angle with a slightly dazed look on his face. He blinked a few times before finally bringing his head back to its normal, facing front position.

I leaned in close, putting my lips almost to his ear. I wanted to make sure none of the humans around could hear me. "How _dare_ you. Are you so stupid that you didn't learn the _first_ _time_ you did this to me? You **do not **control my _life_! You cannot make decisions for me Edward! If you want to be in a relationship Edward, you do not _tell_ the other person what to do, or make decisions for them! You _ask_, you _share_, you _communicate_! It's a partnership! Not a dictatorship!" Edward flinched with every special emphasis I was using on certain words.

"I can make up my own mind about things Edward, even if you don't agree with it." My voice lost its deadly hiss, turning soft. "I wanted you. I didn't care how unworthy or how much of a monster you thought you were. I wanted _you_."

I was barely containing the sobs at the memories of the first months after my change. Leaning back to look him in the face again, I could see the pained expression on Edward's face. It hurt to know that I caused that, but I also knew that he would keep doing these sorts of things unless he understood.

Edward's lips trembled slightly as he spoke, his words barely a whisper, his tone unsure but hopeful. "Do you _still_ want me Bella? Can you forgive my stupidity? Come back with me?" He looked so scared, so lost. I couldn't deny him anything he wanted with that look on his face. Even if I hadn't wanted to, I would have agreed with him.

Feeling my eyes soften, I slowly nodded my head. Edward's face broke out into _my_ smile, that beautiful crooked grin. Relief was evident but there was also a bit of hesitation. He stood there a little awkwardly, looking as if he would like nothing more than to scoop me up into his arms, but was too afraid to do so. I took care of his indecision by throwing myself at him, sobbing in relief into his chest.

"Oh, _Bella_." Edward softly crooned my name as he smoothed my hair back. "I love you. I'm so sorry."

I don't know how long I clung to him, there in the middle of the airport. It was the small hand on my back that finally pulled me out of myself. Alice was trying to lend me her comfort and understanding too. I immediately let go of Edward's shirt and swung around, grabbing the little pixie into a long hug. She seemed surprised at first, but hugged me back just as fiercely.

After our long hug, Alice hopped back onto a plane and headed home. Edward took me, instead, to a hotel. He said that it could be our true honeymoon if I wanted it to be. I had a feeling he just didn't want to share me with the rest of our family yet.

The entire first day and night I spent curled up on the bed, pressed against his chest. He alternated between humming my lullaby and telling me how sorry he was, how much he loved me, and how he would never do anything to hurt me again. I didn't care how wary I should have been, I believed him. It hurt to much not to.

I had been trying so hard to live without him. To exist without meaning and I couldn't. The meaning in my life had been restored and I didn't care if he didn't mean it. I was prepared to live in a fantasy. Without him I could not exist, so even if he was only pretending, I would still openly take it.

We stayed in the hotel for a week, not leaving our room once. We spent the time making up for all those months we had lost, not only from Edward's brooding, but from my disappearance. It was only when my thirst became slightly overwhelming that we checked out.

After my thirst was satiated, Edward and I made our way back to the airport. It was time to head home and be with our family.


End file.
